Ep 61: Dealing with Grief and Moving on to Acceptance with Dana Roseman (Part 4)

Welcome to the catastrophic comeback podcast with American Injury Lawyer Clark speaks, helping you find hope, purpose and joy after a catastrophic injury.

So, when you say practice gratitude and think and look for opportunities to be grateful, when it makes me think of is, so you know, I'm a Tony Robbins guy. So I will I participate in some of Tony Robbins stuff, like coaching, intentionality, and all this kind of stuff. And one of the things he says is, he says, Alright, so look around the room and find everything that you can find this brown, right? And then you look around and you see, okay, well, there's a dress Bureau over there, and there's a couple of lamps, and then the wood trim. And then this table right here has a brown base that's here has a brown base, and then it goes, Okay, well, now, tell me everything you see this red, and the ideas, walking and think of anything that's red, I can only think of things. But, but But now if, if you if you the idea is, you will find what you're looking for us. Yes. And one of the things that I have noticed in talking to people who've gone through this through a series of this podcast, is when I talked to Parker Byrd, when I talked to Colin McClaren, when I talked to some of these other guys who are, who have just these phenomenal stories where they have been through tragedy, they have been through some really difficult situations. And their plans are different now than they were then yes. But they have come through with flying colors. And now they live these lives of impact, rich, full, happy, productive lives where they have, you know, it's almost like it didn't slow him down a bit, you know, and they and you got to look at those guys that admire him for their because we're all going to have face adversity in different times. Everybody faces adversity. It's just a question of what you do about it, and how you overcome it. And their positivity in their, in their, you know, optimism, and their faith has really helped him through these things and to turn, you know, these lemons into lemonade for you know, so what is your perspective on all that?

Parker really struck me his story, you were telling me a little bit about that last night, of course, and he, you know, I'm sure that he went through a period where he grieved, anytime there's a loss, it causes grief, and you need to just get on through that grief. And I would say that the quicker you can get through the grief, which is inevitable, then you can start resetting yourself and saying, Okay, this is a loss. That's gone. Parker, he's the one who lost a leg. And so he lost that leg. It's never coming back. But he thought, Okay, I've lost this leg. But I've still got the other one. And I've still got two arms. And I've still got my mind. And so where do I go from here? What's the next step? And of course, I believe he said, he's the one who now is the first and only amputee that's ever played D one baseball. That's my understanding. That's a remarkable story. So that means that when he reset himself, he accepted the loss. But he also realized, Okay, I've lost some things, but I didn't lose everything. And so perspective is just such an important part of that. And he's just one. In fact, I would say he's a man of faith.

Sure, definitely. If you listen to the full thing, he talks about that a lot. Yeah.

And Tony Robbins. I'm not as nearly as familiar with with him. But the little bits that I have seen him, he's a man who is filled with faith. And he's learned how to exercise that faith in his life in some remarkable ways and teaches others today.

One of the things that that has struck me too, because I've talked to several people who've been through either a, well, I mean, over the years, I've talked to people who dealt with paralysis and loss of limb and loss of a loved one and all these kinds of permanent in terrible tragedies, the process seems to be acceptance, and frustration and grief, and why and for some period of time, right. And it's not always the same for everybody. And and then, and then at some point, there becomes another stage where people go, well, sort of, except the what's going on. And then they'll sort of start going through these other steps. And a lot of times what they've often described as it's not necessarily linear, especially people who've lost children out of order deaths as the way that CJ and Greg Molson describe it, they had a child that was 20 years old, that they lost in a tragic accident. They were some of the first people on the podcast. And they and they described that you might go from here to here to here to here, and then you might go back to here and then something will trigger you back to the very beginning of Be just fresh and raw like it ever was. But eventually you get to an end. And they all seem to think that in the final stages of this recovery process, that's probably a lifetime of ongoing is turning your attention to try to help and other people through this same thing. And then there and then the idea of helping somebody else through a tragedy can be uplifting. And, and something that really has an enormous impact. And for you personally, that might not be what you set out to do it in the first place, you just want to help other people and all that. But it really seems to, to provide a lot of therapeutic and cathartic benefit to the person who's doing the help. And even though they've previously been through that tragedy themselves,

if you can find some meaning in the grief you're experiencing, it can be life changing for you, there's no question about that. And you mentioned to that you, you go through the stages of grief, but then you might have to go repeat them sometimes. And I found that with Randy, even though it's 55 years ago, it was a terrible grief. At the time. There have been times I know, the first maybe 2030 years after that I would sometimes have dreams about him. And he was the age that he would have been had he not died in those dreams. And sometimes I would think about that, and I miss him again. And and think about it. And so it's your accept the fact that grief never maybe completely goes away. But you can still find meaning from it. And, and to be honest with you, I think the fact that he was such a good person. And since I was his friend, and he was my friend, I have felt a responsibility to live my life in a way that he would be proud of me. And that gives me some meaning and some direction. So

yeah, no, I can I can see what you're saying. When we look at when we look at those tragedies, and we recognize Okay, well, there's some things are just bad. Yeah. And there's no getting around the fact that they're bad. But we do talk about good things that can result. Yeah, for example, how it could have a positive impact on you and your life, and you might have a positive impact on other people are starting churches and doing all those things. You mentioned yesterday, you said, you said that, um, some of the people that have been through these types of things have a tendency to say why why me why why is not picking on me, you know? Can you talk about that and what your experiences have been in that situation?

I don't know that, that I have real helpful answers to that. And I don't know, I'm not I'm not convinced that when somebody's asking that question, that, that it's my responsibility to come up with an answer. I'm not even convinced that they expect an answer like that. You know, when you're when you're in chaos like that, when you're trying to find an answer that just doesn't seem to be there, I think maybe what you're really needing is just somebody to share that, that pain with. And so probably the main thing I tried to do, and in the situations that I have been in, like, Sam, I'm not really one to counsel as much just say, Man, I feel your pain with you. Or just to say we understand your confusion, because I've experienced that same kind of confusion. And so I think, really just to make that contact that relationship is maybe what people are looking for, rather than than an answer. Sure. Yes. Am I just share the pain with them?

I think that makes sense. You know, we talked about we see people talking about how you can help somebody through this situation. You know, like, it's always tough. Like, I've got a good friend of mine from college who's lost a child recently to leukemia. Yeah. And, you know, I don't know, if you're like me, you know, when you hear that a kid's got has leukemia, and you know, the parents in your, in your, in your following this journey of recovery. You think it's going to end? Well, yeah, you know, that's the way it ends in your mind. Okay, they found it, they've got it, they're gonna treat it, they've got good medical providers. In your mind, you're like, this is gonna go great, you know, and everything's gonna be and then it didn't the child, the child was doing better and then the child died. And then it's like, I see my friend struggling with this thing. And I'm, and I'm like, I don't know. You don't want to reach out and say, hey, hey, but I don't want to go cheer up, you know, or or, you know, it'll be okay or some kind of hollowed nonsensical gesture that It's not effective. But I also don't want to ignore him there. Oh, no. So so. So how do you counsel people that are in those? Or how do you just be there and listen? Yeah,

the word that comes to my mind, Jesus said, Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I really think a lot of times when somebody's going through that, they're just looking for somebody to weep with them. I

get it. And that's what I would be doing. Yeah. God forbid something like that. Hey, on me. Yeah.

So just the human touch. That's, I think that's what a lot of times I think when people are asking for, for advice, they're just looking for human touch somebody to grieve with them. And you know, that's why we have funerals is so we can grieve together. It certainly doesn't change the fact that their past but it does help to grieve with one another.

Well, thank you for being here. I appreciate it. And I think your what you said is going to be helpful to a lot of people. So thank you.

I appreciate the opportunity. Thank you for joining us,

and we'll see you next time.

Welcome to the catastrophic comeback podcast with American Injury Lawyer Clark speaks, helping you find hope, purpose and joy after a catastrophic injury.

So, when you say practice gratitude and think and look for opportunities to be grateful, when it makes me think of is, so you know, I'm a Tony Robbins guy. So I will I participate in some of Tony Robbins stuff, like coaching, intentionality, and all this kind of stuff. And one of the things he says is, he says, Alright, so look around the room and find everything that you can find this brown, right? And then you look around and you see, okay, well, there's a dress Bureau over there, and there's a couple of lamps, and then the wood trim. And then this table right here has a brown base that's here has a brown base, and then it goes, Okay, well, now, tell me everything you see this red, and the ideas, walking and think of anything that's red, I can only think of things. But, but But now if, if you if you the idea is, you will find what you're looking for us. Yes. And one of the things that I have noticed in talking to people who've gone through this through a series of this podcast, is when I talked to Parker Byrd, when I talked to Colin McClaren, when I talked to some of these other guys who are, who have just these phenomenal stories where they have been through tragedy, they have been through some really difficult situations. And their plans are different now than they were then yes. But they have come through with flying colors. And now they live these lives of impact, rich, full, happy, productive lives where they have, you know, it's almost like it didn't slow him down a bit, you know, and they and you got to look at those guys that admire him for their because we're all going to have face adversity in different times. Everybody faces adversity. It's just a question of what you do about it, and how you overcome it. And their positivity in their, in their, you know, optimism, and their faith has really helped him through these things and to turn, you know, these lemons into lemonade for you know, so what is your perspective on all that?

Parker really struck me his story, you were telling me a little bit about that last night, of course, and he, you know, I'm sure that he went through a period where he grieved, anytime there's a loss, it causes grief, and you need to just get on through that grief. And I would say that the quicker you can get through the grief, which is inevitable, then you can start resetting yourself and saying, Okay, this is a loss. That's gone. Parker, he's the one who lost a leg. And so he lost that leg. It's never coming back. But he thought, Okay, I've lost this leg. But I've still got the other one. And I've still got two arms. And I've still got my mind. And so where do I go from here? What's the next step? And of course, I believe he said, he's the one who now is the first and only amputee that's ever played D one baseball. That's my understanding. That's a remarkable story. So that means that when he reset himself, he accepted the loss. But he also realized, Okay, I've lost some things, but I didn't lose everything. And so perspective is just such an important part of that. And he's just one. In fact, I would say he's a man of faith.

Sure, definitely. If you listen to the full thing, he talks about that a lot. Yeah.

And Tony Robbins. I'm not as nearly as familiar with with him. But the little bits that I have seen him, he's a man who is filled with faith. And he's learned how to exercise that faith in his life in some remarkable ways and teaches others today.

One of the things that that has struck me too, because I've talked to several people who've been through either a, well, I mean, over the years, I've talked to people who dealt with paralysis and loss of limb and loss of a loved one and all these kinds of permanent in terrible tragedies, the process seems to be acceptance, and frustration and grief, and why and for some period of time, right. And it's not always the same for everybody. And and then, and then at some point, there becomes another stage where people go, well, sort of, except the what's going on. And then they'll sort of start going through these other steps. And a lot of times what they've often described as it's not necessarily linear, especially people who've lost children out of order deaths as the way that CJ and Greg Molson describe it, they had a child that was 20 years old, that they lost in a tragic accident. They were some of the first people on the podcast. And they and they described that you might go from here to here to here to here, and then you might go back to here and then something will trigger you back to the very beginning of Be just fresh and raw like it ever was. But eventually you get to an end. And they all seem to think that in the final stages of this recovery process, that's probably a lifetime of ongoing is turning your attention to try to help and other people through this same thing. And then there and then the idea of helping somebody else through a tragedy can be uplifting. And, and something that really has an enormous impact. And for you personally, that might not be what you set out to do it in the first place, you just want to help other people and all that. But it really seems to, to provide a lot of therapeutic and cathartic benefit to the person who's doing the help. And even though they've previously been through that tragedy themselves,

if you can find some meaning in the grief you're experiencing, it can be life changing for you, there's no question about that. And you mentioned to that you, you go through the stages of grief, but then you might have to go repeat them sometimes. And I found that with Randy, even though it's 55 years ago, it was a terrible grief. At the time. There have been times I know, the first maybe 2030 years after that I would sometimes have dreams about him. And he was the age that he would have been had he not died in those dreams. And sometimes I would think about that, and I miss him again. And and think about it. And so it's your accept the fact that grief never maybe completely goes away. But you can still find meaning from it. And, and to be honest with you, I think the fact that he was such a good person. And since I was his friend, and he was my friend, I have felt a responsibility to live my life in a way that he would be proud of me. And that gives me some meaning and some direction. So

yeah, no, I can I can see what you're saying. When we look at when we look at those tragedies, and we recognize Okay, well, there's some things are just bad. Yeah. And there's no getting around the fact that they're bad. But we do talk about good things that can result. Yeah, for example, how it could have a positive impact on you and your life, and you might have a positive impact on other people are starting churches and doing all those things. You mentioned yesterday, you said, you said that, um, some of the people that have been through these types of things have a tendency to say why why me why why is not picking on me, you know? Can you talk about that and what your experiences have been in that situation?

I don't know that, that I have real helpful answers to that. And I don't know, I'm not I'm not convinced that when somebody's asking that question, that, that it's my responsibility to come up with an answer. I'm not even convinced that they expect an answer like that. You know, when you're when you're in chaos like that, when you're trying to find an answer that just doesn't seem to be there, I think maybe what you're really needing is just somebody to share that, that pain with. And so probably the main thing I tried to do, and in the situations that I have been in, like, Sam, I'm not really one to counsel as much just say, Man, I feel your pain with you. Or just to say we understand your confusion, because I've experienced that same kind of confusion. And so I think, really just to make that contact that relationship is maybe what people are looking for, rather than than an answer. Sure. Yes. Am I just share the pain with them?

I think that makes sense. You know, we talked about we see people talking about how you can help somebody through this situation. You know, like, it's always tough. Like, I've got a good friend of mine from college who's lost a child recently to leukemia. Yeah. And, you know, I don't know, if you're like me, you know, when you hear that a kid's got has leukemia, and you know, the parents in your, in your, in your following this journey of recovery. You think it's going to end? Well, yeah, you know, that's the way it ends in your mind. Okay, they found it, they've got it, they're gonna treat it, they've got good medical providers. In your mind, you're like, this is gonna go great, you know, and everything's gonna be and then it didn't the child, the child was doing better and then the child died. And then it's like, I see my friend struggling with this thing. And I'm, and I'm like, I don't know. You don't want to reach out and say, hey, hey, but I don't want to go cheer up, you know, or or, you know, it'll be okay or some kind of hollowed nonsensical gesture that It's not effective. But I also don't want to ignore him there. Oh, no. So so. So how do you counsel people that are in those? Or how do you just be there and listen? Yeah,

the word that comes to my mind, Jesus said, Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I really think a lot of times when somebody's going through that, they're just looking for somebody to weep with them. I

get it. And that's what I would be doing. Yeah. God forbid something like that. Hey, on me. Yeah.

So just the human touch. That's, I think that's what a lot of times I think when people are asking for, for advice, they're just looking for human touch somebody to grieve with them. And you know, that's why we have funerals is so we can grieve together. It certainly doesn't change the fact that their past but it does help to grieve with one another.

Well, thank you for being here. I appreciate it. And I think your what you said is going to be helpful to a lot of people. So thank you.

I appreciate the opportunity. Thank you for joining us,

and we'll see you next time.